Isn't it amazing how we tend to focus so much on each thing that goes wrong in our life? It seems to be our nature to react to just what is effecting ones self first and react upon that situation as if every action has the common denominator of "ME".
Think about that for a moment..
Who are we to think that this world and everything in it is about "YOU..ME...SELF ? That is exactly what our thinking process is based on. It always stems from using yourself as the factor for what all things effect, are going to effect, or could effect. Even when we consider a kind gesture towards somebody else can you, to yourself, truly say that you do not "thought process" how your action will effect you?? Do you not spend a moment later to soak in the thoughts of your good nature? Is it possible to take the "ME" out of the equation? What would happen?
Crazy thought isn't it?
So now that Cully is doing so well with no seizures returning to this point, weight is coming down and all health issues seem to be a-ok.... why are we dealt another problem?? "Catch that? Why are we?????? As if it is about me again and not Cully. But that's what came out as I typed.
Cully is not the same Cully we had when we went into all of this 6 months ago. If you are one of the amazingly lucky people to get the opportunity to see Cully in a given day then you will see him as the big cuddly chunk that he is, complete with the chubby red cheeks and big ole belly that has to be moved about just to get his winter jacket zipped up. Your next observation is going to be his sweet demeanor and natural way of taking on a slow and gentle way of treating every child near him as if they were his own little baby. This goes for children younger and older than he... He has a big brother personality that makes others cover their mouths and gasp as he takes over for moms and dads and teachers.. You might even see Cully with nothing more than a simple smile too. Or...you might be one of those people at the next table over that thinks this child better get a good butt whoop'n and you would never allow your child to act like that..... Cully is not the same Cully anymore as he now is having more and more fits of rage each day..
So here is why I wrote my thoughts regarding how much we think about ourselves first in all things we do.
Cully is struggling with this. He is aware of this and is scared. He has compassion and a conscience. And how do I know that he is scared? He told us. showed us. In his own way he asked us for help.
Example.. Today after church we took mum out for a birthday meal. Cully was his usual self and was laughing and giggling when a piece of food fell off his spoon. This sent him into a rage and we had food and plates thrown, arms reaching out to hit and screams. Cully was aware of what he was doing and then immediately leaned into his mum and asked for a hug. When held after something like this Cully is shaking and very sympathetic. He needs to know that what he did isn't going to make us not be there for him. He wants to show how sorry he is.. He does not like that this just happened. And we see this reaction with almost each rage.
I think that the fact that Cully has these qualities is just another one the amazing gifted things about my special boy. But how hard it must be to be in his position...not mine where I am uncomfortable about what the people around me are thinking. I have been guilty on numerous occasions of wanting to let a parent know that they ought to give their child a good straightening out. And its me looking around worried about everyone's reaction when Cully has a melt down. When we got the diagnosis of the IS and the Autism it was not just the worry of our son making it through this but it was the selfish thoughts of how difficult it is going to be in the future having a special needs child. I kept thinking about how that moment in my life when my wife and I would have OUR time would never come and how cheated I felt. I even feel selfish to the fact that each night my son will call for mom and I will spend that rest of my night alone again.
I do not think that I am alone in having selfish thoughts but it is humiliating to think about it. Its a part of my nature I wish I did not have. Every negative moment in my life can be traced back to that common denominator of "ME".
I'm so very lucky to have a child that can remind me that he has feelings too. I wish I could make it all better for him.
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